…right now as I write this. I’ve been on a slow decline for the last hour or so, and I’ve hit the stage where curling up into a ball and crying seems like a sensible option.
What brought it on? Your guess is as good as mine, really. My head is broken, so there’s not really any rhyme nor reason to these things when they happen. There doesn’t always have to be an inciting incident.
Why don’t I talk to someone? Apparently there are people who are always willing to listen. Well, for a start, besides The Mrs… who else can I talk to? I’m not exactly a sociable person, so I don’t really have any friends. A few acquaintances is about it, if I’m honest. No-one I feel like I can talk to like that… I have enough trouble talking about stuff like that with The Mrs… do you seriously think I’m going to open up to Rando Calrissian?!
Sometimes it’s a slow decline, other times, it’s pretty much a divebomb. One minute you’re fine, the next, I don’t want to be wherever I am anymore. I just want to be somewhere warm, dark and comforting where I can hide from everything and everyone because I really have enough bullshit going on in my head without anyone else’s getting involved.
Part of the problem is that I’ve never really “fitted in” anywhere, and most of the time, that’s fine by me, but sometimes… well, it would be nice, y’know?. As it is, I’m one of these people who quite often ends up feeling completely alone, even if I’m stood in a roomful of people. Which is why I have a tendency to leave events early.
I mean… come on. I’ve never been a “bloke”. Going out “on the town” and getting leathered is my idea of torture, and there’s a big part of my psyche that’s glad I really don’t have to do that sort of thing anymore. I don’t drink, and the number of times I went on a works’ night out and ended up hating it and feeling like I was being used as a fucking taxi service… doesn’t bare thinking about.
And it’s the Primordial Radio AGM this weekend… and there’s a part of me that’s actually glad we can’t afford to go this year. Being surrounded by people I don’t know… especially when they all seem to know each other… just makes me feel even more isolated and makes me just want to leave even more.
OK, there are some very decent bands playing. Skarlett Riot are excellent and Evil Scarecrow… superlative, but again, despite the number of people around me, I’d be on my own.
So yeah… sucks to be me, doesn’t it?
I’m going to bed.