So I’ve spent the vast majority of my life trying to please other people in one way or another. I was born in the 70’s and grew up in the 80’s in a conservative family. The only real rebellion I had to my name was listening to Metal. Beyond that, I was just as conservative as my upbringing.
Admittedly, things started to change a little when I went to University. I started reading comics. Mostly Marvel, since I loved the X-Men. I’ve always had sympathy with the mutants, having to hide in “normal” society. I’ve kind of being doing the same. A recent batch of therapy I had indicated my mental illness’ roots went further back than I thought. I started teaching and earning some money… and doing transgressive things became available. Even thought I don’t drink or do any sort of recreational drug, even now, I had a bit of a secret life, hanging out at DV8 and later The Purple Door in Leeds. They were my happy places. Once a month I got to hang out with sex workers and I loved it. They were some of the best people I’d ever met, and had the rules at the time been different, I would have had some real, proper friends.
As it is, I’m still in occassional touch with one of the amazing women I met back then. I still miss those nights, but just don’t have that level of disposable income anymore, sadly.
Falling in love with Sarah really started my evolution. She encouraged me to be more myself, teasing out a buried, happier, less reserved person. OK, there have been some severe dips. Working in a particular school and literally being bullied by the head was one of the lowest points. At the same time, my son was born three months premature, so unsurprisingly, I crumbled. Six months off work, eventually leading to me looking for another job.
A few months floundering around and I finally moved into FE, and things started to improve. I was teaching again and enjoying it again. But looking back, my evolution had stalled. I had no friends, no-one outside my family who really cared about me as more than a work colleague, really.
Went through another round of hard times, requiring more therapy, changes in medication and job changes. Part of this was going on during the Covid Pandemic.
After that was all over, I found my current job. There were people I liked there. After a couple of years, along came two people who I think I can credit with kickstarting my evolution again. Now, I had a solid background of love and care from Sarah (now my wife) and my son. Sarah had stuck with me and nurtured me through some darkness, and I love her, full stop. She keeps me going. Keely and Anika really provided the next step. They’re both way younger than me. Both are forces of nature in very different senses. Whereas Keely is very grounded, solid and down to Earth, with a touch of whimsy, Anika is like a forest fire. Changeable, untamed and a free spirit. Without them, this next stage would probably never have happened.
I was off sick from work again. Depression and anxiety caused by stress building to a head. During the month I was off work, I started to make some changes. I started going to the Bradford Nibble (mini-munch) and made some friends there. I also started listening to the ComeCurious podcast, and then Behind The Paddle. All by and about women who were themselves in spite of the world around them. And that lead to more. I took up pole dancing at Leeds Pole Dance Studio (as recommended by Enya Torres – another strong woman who is fiercely herself), and haven’t looked back. I’m starting to make friends through pole. I love the atmosphere in the studio and it’s one of the only places I feel at home and welcomed. I’ve started going to Burlesque shows, too, but only the authentic ones, that are sex worker and LGBTQIA+ friendly and run by women. That’s the only ethical way. I’ve also got tickets to PDSM’s Sexplicit event, Alt Arousal in March and Burning Hell Burlesque in a couple of weeks. I also want to see Darkhaus Burlesque again at The Attic in Leeds.
So yes, I’m probably happier than I’ve been in a long time. You can tell this because The Wyrd Ways Rock Show has become more regular again. I think I’ve only missed a couple of weeks since November last year. And there’s another show brewing. I was sorting my Inbox last night.
I think I can credit my current state to the women in my life. Sarah, Keely, Anika and more recently spending time with Angel and Chloe. Jen the therapist also had a lot to do with this last breakthrough. OK, I can still be highly anxious, nervous and overbearingly clingy, and when anxiety kicks in, I just get so much worse, but I know it’s there. That means I can do something about it. Same goes for my tendency to “love-bomb” people I enjoy the company of. It’s hard and I can be a little over-eager… but anyone who knows me long enough will realize that phase never really ends.
Been burned by that a few times, but I never seem to learn…
That’s a good place to finish this one. I’m actually feeling quite optimistic for a change. There’s some good stuff coming up over the next month. I’m finally starting to look after myself a bit more again. I have friends. Real ones, for the first time in decades.
Just got to try and stop myself sabotaging it…
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