…and not in the “amusing” funny way…
Not saying this isn’t related, but I came off anti-depressants by accidentally going cold turkey about three weeks ago. I was taking 20mg of escitalopram per day, but thanks to an intersectional cock-up between my ADHD brain, Pharmacy2U and my GP, I ended up being unmedicated for five days.
I had a GP appointment for a medication review already scheduled because I wasn’t sure it was doing any good when the enforced withdrawal happened.
Anyway, aside from being on something of an emotional rollercoaster as my brain rebalanced itself away from the serotonin reuptake inhibitors, there have been a few changes.
For one, Sarah (The Mrs), when pressed to tell me if I was behaving any differently since I’d come off the drugs, said I was being a little “manic”, but other than that, nothing has really changed. Still somewhat crippled by ADHD paralysis and worried by the work stuff that’s been going on in the background and is making me seriously consider leaving teaching after 30 years.
For another, my emotions have become a lot stronger. For example, I found myself in tears last night while listening to the Motorhead song, God Was Never On Your Side. That might raise a few eyebrows from anyone who doesn’t know the song. Based on the reaction to GWNOYS, I know that 1916’s title track will absolutely destroy me.
Now this one is probably entirely coincidental, and could probably put down to my neurodivergent brain being neurodivergent, but around the time the heatwave hit last week, I decided I wanted to have a better relationship with my body. Admittedly that was something I’d had floating around in the recesses of my mind for a good long time, and is part of the reason I took up poledancing, but I decided to spend more time naked. The only reason I’m not naked right now is that it’s 12°C outside, I’m the only one in the house, and I don’t want to be cold. Other than that, literally all the clothes I have on is a Twisted Generation hoodie and a pair of deliberately very loose joggers. Oh… and a blanket. Because it’s cold.
I’ve also decided to try and resurrect my side hustle as a life model. It’s something I tried back in 2017 when I got sick of teaching the last time. At the time, I wanted to do something to completely reject the structured conformity of state education, so I decided I wanted to get naked for art.
It didn’t really last long because being unemployed sucks, especially when you’re trying to raise a family. It can’t be done on a single income anymore, so I got back into teaching, but completely in FE.
Anyway, the job I got was as a contestant stand-in for the technical rehearsal for season 2 of Naked Attraction. For anyone who remembers that show, I was in the blue box while the guys in the studio fussed around checking the temperature, making sure the sliding door worked and so on.
The fact that I was able to stand pretty much in public, stark-bollock-naked and not be bothered… At the time, I put that down to the heroic dose of sertraline I was on at the time. I had two emotions during that period: apathy and anger. Which is why I had to get off it and try something else.
I also got a lesson in how to pose for artists from an experienced life model, whose name completely escapes me. That involved being naked in an art studio in Barnsley whilst being given advice on how to stand completely still for 5 minutes or so. That was the extent of my life-modelling so far.
Anyway, I’m now off the drugs completely and waiting for an appointment with my GP tomorrow and also for CareADHD to start my titration.
Now something that came to me literally this morning was questioning my sexuality.
I’ve always known I vastly preferred women. Alt women are a real weakness, if I’m being absolutely honest… but I’ve recently been around a few more Out gay men than I have been in the past, and although I do know that I’m not attracted to the very camp end of the spectrum, there is something to be said for the everso slightly camp (especially someone with a bitchy sense of humour… but that would be something we had in common – Sarah once told me I was like her “bitchy” ex-best mate, but “with the brakes off”), but definitely masc-presenting. I’ve always been able to spot a hot person of any gender and maybe it’s the lack of emotional regulation talking, but there is a friend of mine… well they’re kind of hot. Doesn’t hurt that they’re a genuinely good person, but mayyybe I have a little crush on them…?
So yeah… I’m starting to question my sexuality, which most likely means I’m not entirely straight, since people who are secure in the knowledge about themselves don’t question.
So yeah… it may be possible that I’m slightly bi.
Do with that knowledge what you will. No idea what I’m going to do with it except for just let it be part of me.
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